


I Am The Darkness

by Morgan (morgan32)



Series: Out Of Darkness [1]
Category: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys
Genre: Angst, Episode Tag, Gen, HTLJ: Season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-08
Updated: 2009-03-08
Packaged: 2017-10-02 06:17:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morgan32/pseuds/Morgan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Out Of Darkness</i> is my response to the storyline that took up the first half of the fifth season of Hercules. From "Faith" through to "Redemption", in other words. This is not meant to be a story: the story is in the episodes. What I have here is more of a meditation on the unfolding arc: Hercules' thoughts on each of his voyages.</p><p>The first story takes place after <i>Descent</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am The Darkness

The sea is calm tonight.

It's as if it's mocking me. This calm, clear water is like a blanket of peace all around the ship. But there can be no peace for me.

I've been on the ocean, alone, for three days now. Three days…and nights… Alone with my thoughts, with my grief. Alone with my anger. Alone in my nightmare.

The nightmare of being alive when he is gone.

Iolaus.

We called each other "brother". Family. I should have said my heart. I _have_ brothers: how can anyone compare what Iolaus means to me with Iphicles. Or Ares.

Oh, but I _can_ compare it. I can see that now: that truth I never dared to face before. Iolaus and Ares. They were like the two sides of my heart: Iolaus the light, Ares the shadow. I always knew I had more than blood in common with the god of war. This anger I have inside is proof of that. This rage that makes me want to tear the heavens asunder and scream at the gods. It was always part of me. Iolaus made me strong enough to fight it.

Now he's gone. _I_ killed him.

Every time I close my eyes, I see it again. I see the knife flying across the room. I hear myself shout to warn Nebula. I see… I see Iolaus save her the only way he could. And I just stood there and did nothing.

Maybe there was nothing I could have done. I don't believe that.

I would trade her life for his in a second. My own even faster than that. If only I could.

Yes, I know the price. I know that if Gilgamesh had killed Nebula, Dahok would have been free to enter this world. I know what that means. Before I knew a name for his evil, I had met him in my dream. Through Gilgamesh I fought him and I felt his power.

It was like nothing else I've ever known.

Evil. Pure malevolence that makes Hera look like sweetness and light. A vastness I can't begin to comprehend. A power of chaos and destruction.

And when I looked into that abyss, I realised I had known Dahok before.

He…_it_…is nothing I know how to defeat.

But I don't have to defeat it. Nebula lived. Dahok lost.

It's worth a human life, isn't it?

Just not_ his_ life. Anything but that.

Why?

_Why?_ is all I have left. Why was it him, not me? Why did I go to Sumeria in the first place? Why did I agree to help Gilgamesh?

I was warned. In so many ways, I was warned.

Iolaus didn't want to do it. That should have been enough for me. I should have listened to him.

Iolaus. Oh, gods…

He's always been there for me. There with me. No matter the odds, no matter the danger, he went with me. My friend. My hero…

I can count on one hand the times it was different.

The time I got us thrown into Meanus Maxius' prison. I knew he thought it was a bad idea. He knew I knew. But I just charged ahead and did it anyway. I knew it would be tough. I was willing to pay the price. Selfishly, I never stopped to think that maybe Iolaus wouldn't feel the same way, even though I knew he was with me only reluctantly.

Why? Because of Deianeira and my kids. But they were dead. Nothing I did would bring them back. What I chose to do couldn't affect them at all. So what it comes down to is I did it for me. Not to "honour their memory". That was real enough,   a choice I made, a way of looking at the world that allowed me to go on living in it. But it had nothing to do with me trying to help Gladius. That was because Felicita spoke of her husband never knowing his son, and all I could think of was the family I'd lost.

Selfish.

Because of that, I took my best friend with me into slavery. I earned him a beating and a broken nose. I almost got him killed! All because I refused to listen to his misgivings.

That it turned out alright in the end doesn't make what I did right.

I never learned to listen to him. Like when he tried to warn me about Serena. The truth about that time is I _wanted_ him to leave. I wanted him to walk away because I was furious with him. Furious, because he was right.

Selfish, selfish, selfish.

Oh, yeah, I loved her. I made a sacrifice for her. I gave up my strength: the half of my heritage I never wanted and I didn't appreciate until it was gone. More trouble than it was worth, I thought.

I had no right, though, to sacrifice Iolaus. He was the real price I paid for Serena. I alienated my best friend — and it took so long to repair that damage — I ruined Serena's life and I caused her death. All because I was thinking with my cock instead of my head.

I should have listened to Iolaus.

It was so close. If Ares' plan had succeeded, Iolaus would have been killed too.

And what about when Zeus asked me to become a god?

Was losing Serena and almost losing the best friendship I've ever had not enough to teach me to trust Iolaus' instincts? The first thing he said to me when I told him, the _very first thing_, was "Herc, I think this is a really bad idea." I _knew_ he was right the moment he said it. The old hunter's instinct is rarely wrong.

Except then he changed his mind, or said he had. He told me I should do it: go with Zeus. I realise now, it was Jason talking, not Iolaus. Jason, who wasn't thinking any straighter than I was right then, and who sometimes forgets that I've changed a lot since we were kids. Jason took Iolaus aside and somehow he managed to make Iolaus feel selfish. As if loving me could make him selfish! How did wanting me to stay make him selfish? When Iolaus told me I should go, I was too confused by his change of heart to hear that it was guilt talking.

But I still knew his first instinct had been the right one. Didn't matter. I went ahead and did it anyway. I abandonded the best friend a man could have for childish dreams and a father who doesn't know the meaning of love.

***

I have seen my father's face in dreams, screaming, burning as if in the flames of Tartarus.

In the dream he was begging me to turn this ship around and go back to Greece.

In the dream I was laughing when I refused him.

I can't bring myself to care.

I don't owe Zeus anything.

Strange to remember that only recently I thought I was beginning to understand him. I even thought we might find a way to be friends. Now I turn away from his plea for help.

Whatever danger threatens him, Zeus deserves it.

He _knew_.

They all knew, I realise that now. All the gods of Olympus felt Dahok's presence. I felt it, too.

I can never say I wasn't warned.

A danger. An impending darkness. A sense of something gathering. I wasn't on Olympus long enough to understand. No, that's not true. I was blinded by my own agenda. My hatred for Hera. My father's petty war. I chose to ignore the distant presence in favour of the immediate.

When I left godhood behind, I forgot it.

I wanted to forget. I was happy, almost reborn. For the first time in years, I had the certainty that I was on the right road, and I could appreciate everything I had, because it was all I needed. I refused to allow what I knew to spoil that happiness.

Iolaus…

And then there was my dream. As if the other warnings weren't enough. Dahok all but _dared_ me to take him on.

Well, as Iolaus would tell you, I was never one to turn away from a challenge like that.

So I walked right into it.

And I let him die.

It should have been me.

I can't believe he's gone forever. I can't believe it.

Why?

Why wasn't I paying attention? Why didn't I move faster? Why did Iolaus have to die before I realised the truth?

The truth: that none of this matters. All my life I've been fighting a phantom.

***

Voices from the past surround me, tormenting me.

_"We're not as different as you like to think. We both believe the wicked should be punished, only I see something you don't. All people are wicked. And they deserve everything…"_

Callisto's words. I'm beginning to think she may have been right.

_"You are responsible for everything bad that's ever happened to me."_

Who said that to me? And why? I don't remember. Was it true?

Why do I hear it now, in my own voice?

I think I'm losing my mind.

It doesn't matter. I've lost everything else, after all.

Forgive me, Iolaus.

My hero. My brother. My heart.

Can you forgive me? I know I can never forgive myself.

I can feel myself slipping away. I'm falling into the darkness. I don't have the strength to fight it any more. Iolaus…I need you. It's almost too dark to see.

I'm lost. I can't find the way alone.

You followed me all your life, Iolaus. Right now, I would give anything to follow you. Follow you anywhere. Into fire, into darkness. Into death.

Iolaus.

On the far horizon, I see the storm clouds gathering.


End file.
